Unusual Lions
Pictured below are Lions who pass themselves off as everyday objects because they are painfully shy or pursue vocations which require great discression, and creatures who so want to be Lions that they have adopted the title and many of the appertanences. Indeed, some have become so obcessed that they have gone quite mad.
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Beware the Ginger Cat! And not because his name might be McKafferty. No, no! If you want to know his true nature, you must catch him unawares before the One Mirror where he loves to project his secret soul and gaze upon his true identity - the mighty Lion. Yes, it's true! All Ginger Cats are Lions in cleaver disguise, so well camouflaged that they pad about our homes unnoticed - even doted upon. And this is why you must never, ever, offend a Ginger Cat. Their claws may appear small, but they become mighty rapiers when provoked. Why, it is well known that Aslan, Himself, was a Ginger Cat whose Mirror was on the back of a wardrobe door. When provoked by unruly children, he would catch them in the reflection of that Mirror and great travail would ensue.
Dandelions: Just a cute name for an irritating weed? Don't believe everything you hear! Have you noticed how squirrels, mice and other rodents never eat Dandelions? Why? They don't want to be severely bitten. These faux weeds are really cleverly camouflaged, miniature Lions. Every once in a while they fold back the center of their petallike mane and peep out to spy on the world around them. And who do they spy for, might you ask? Why for their brother Lions, of course, and most especially the Ginger Cats. Yes, when your own Ginger Cat crouches or rolls amongst the Dandy Lions ... yes, that's right, your little Lion in disguise is sussing out the movements of enemy mice and birds.
How can you possibly say such a cruel thing?! It is beneath all credulity that you could compare me to a mere canine. Look into my eyes. Do you not see the steely gaze of the implacable predator? Gaze upon my resplendent mane! Is this the crowing glory of a dog? What? What! You question my white face? It is a distinguished face! A unique face. The face of a Lion among lions!
I am here today, my loyal subjects, to report to you on a most serious global crisis, the mammalian conspiracy. The Amphibian Intelligence Service reports that those evolutionary upstarts, deserters of the sea, air-gulpers who style themselves as the Anointed Class Mammalia, have elevated one of their number as the King of all Animals. This rebel styles himself as 'The Lion,' and has grown out his gill ruff to resemble my own, though in an imprecise and paltry fashion. Very well! We rise to this outrageous challenge and shall crush this putative usurper fin and gill! I, the Lion of The Sea, Head of the Ancient Order of the Piscian Mace, Emperor of the Oceans, Commander of Neptune and Bellarophon, etc., etc., do so proclaim and decree. Let us mount the storm of righteous rage to bloody victory!
Some people who are poorly educated, or who may be held sway by certain lions of delusion, refer to me as a Golden Lion Marmoset or even a mere Tamara. How unjust. Was it not I, the King of the Jungle, who chased the apes out of the trees and taught them to be human? And whom, prey tell, did my foul-breathed cousins, those self-styled Lions, emulate when they took up their golden manes? Think carefully! Was this usurpation of my royal visage from any kingly impulse? Fie! It was merely to impress their women and persuade them to do the work of the carnivore. Such doings are as far beneath us as the ground is beneath our royal canopy.
Look at my black nose. Look at my little whiskers. Look at my big bushy eyebrows. Look at my golden cheeks. Look at my lovely mane. Do you know me now? That's right! I'm a Lion! I can run like the wind. I can roar like the river. I can pounce through high grasses. I can even swim! Did you know that? But if you're nice to me, I won't eat you. And if you're very nice to me, I might purr for you. Am I cute, or what?
Cryptozoologists have referred to us as Arctomys aureolus, the Golden Maned Marmot, a cousin, they claim, to the Prairie Dog! Well, we may be a lot smaller than those zoo-o-cryptologists, but if they get anywhere near us, we'll sink our fangs into their scrawny calves and so demonstrate a dentition that can only be that of a true Lion! They say we live in "burrows" beneath the ground. Have they never heard of the Lion's Den? Why, we are the architects among Lions, the makers of magnificent halls - the only surroundings fit for the king of beasts! So if, while crossing the endless savannas of North America, you see on the horizon the sun flashing from our golden coats, remember that we are true Lions - Panthera aureolus radiens - Cryptozoologists take note!
"Oh yes! As you can see quite clearly from my lovely crown, it is I, and only I, Humpty Dumpty, who am King of the Lions. Come, my fine mount! Let us tour the castle wall." So began the brief - the very brief - rise and fall of Sir Dumpty, a would-be Lion king.
St. Leon sur Vezere du Perigord Noir deep in the Dordogne Valley of France. As you might suspect from this, his coat of arms, the French consider this saintly Lion to be the patron of Morrell mushrooms and the Apple orchards where they arise on moonlit nights in fairy rings. And who are we, the keepers of insignificant vineyards, to disagree? Three Roars for St. Leon!
Lion Jim meets Ebony Lion - Lion Jim poses with his new friend, Ebony, who disdainfully looks into the middle distance, maintaining his disguise as a statue. Yes, what more perfect disguise for a Lion than that of the appearance of a Lion? Think about it. How many Lion statues have you seen in your lifetime? Now, how many artists do you know that have actually created a Lion statue? Personally, I know of a few artists who have produced drawings or photographs of Lion statues, but no one who has created a statue. Well, isn't it obvious? The 'statues,' being Lions in disguise, are simply recreating themselves. Their cubs begin training by mimicking stuffed toys. Cubs aren't perfect at disguising themselves, but that only delights the human children who are their companions, and adult humans never notice them, except for a very few, like Lion Jim, and they're not talking.
Topes. Though not so common here, English, Irish and French Lions are well known for disguising themselves as elaborate topiary creatures, occasionally assuming their true forms with but a scant sprouting of green. Legend has it that Lions first assumed this unusual form to protect St. Patrick in his historic mission to Ireland and, at his behest, to stalk and eliminate the last snakes of Ireland. So successful were they, that they were then sought out for sensitive diplomatic postings throughout Europe.
Thai dye. Yes, indeed! This is what happens when you Thai dye a lion. This is the way that Lions disguise themselves in order to go disco dancing. With the flashing lights and the spinning mirrors, the Thai dyed lion cuts a dashing, yet inconspicuous figure on the dance floor.
Boot Lace Lions? Perhaps. This boot lace spent about three weeks on my bedroom floor patiently assembling itself into a wee lion. If you look closely at the head, you can just make out how this cleaver little lace is using the rug as a creative template. No doubt this is because the lace is composed of a double helix, whose prodigious reproductive powers are well known.
Yes, as you can plainly see, many children's toys are really Lions in disguise. They have developed their natural ability as predators to wait and watch, motionless and little regarded, until the time is ripe for a decisive blur of action. They only reveal their true identity to the children whose rooms they faithfully patrol and with whom they share fantastic adventures in which they teach their young charges the ancient Law of the Jungle.
This Persian statue, dating from the early first millennium BC, is the oldest recorded example of a Lion masquerading as a supercilious Poodle, complete with a curled and powdered mane and a nose pad covered in black rouge. Yes, indeed! Thatıs right, many Poodles are really Lions in disguise. How can you tell. Well, it's quite difficult. The feet are usually the key. If the Poodle clicks along on hard surfaces, thatıs often because it's hard to fully retract all the claws into Poodle-shaped feet. So before you make fun of that Poodle that lives across the street, just consider the fact that he or she might be a Lion in disguise and not at all averse to having your Cocker Spaniel for brunch.
Driftwood! That's right. Many assemblages of driftwood you see, both as works of art and those sunning themselves along the shore, are really Lions in disguise, Lions who have hunted since time immemorial at the endless margins of the continents. Adjacent to fluvial shoals and lacustrine strands, these Lions have evolved the exterior finish of sand polished limbs. So watch closely when you visit the beach. If your dog appears uneasy about a fantastic configuration of driftwood, you had best approach with circumspection and profound respect.
That's right! Most signs in front of historic monuments in many countries are actually Lions intent on blending in. They also do quite well as traffic signs in particularly complex intersections and as directives at the entrances to government buildings. And most logos that you see in the bottom corners of billboards in these countries are actually sleeping Lions. Just imagine our friend here with her tail, head and paws all tucked away and you'll get some inkling of just how hard these lions are to spot.
Lions that grow up in modern art galleries develop natural camouflage to a remarkable degree.